just today…

I realize that this entry isn’t going to make much sense, and I apologize in advance. But I’m just going to write about things as they pop into my head,  so here goes nothing! For the first time in my life, I am beginning to realize that as much as I want people to like me, and to have friends in ‘real life,’ that it’s no longer an absolute necessity that I change who I am to make them happy. If someone doesn’t like the fact that I have a tendency to act like a Dumb Blonde, and laugh with me when I do really stupid things, then I’m sorry but they aren’t worth my time and effort! The ironic thing is that the person who’s helped me with realizing this fact is my soon-to-be fiancee, Tom.

Sometimes I can’t help but think of whether or not, it’s all going to be worth it in the end. Does being in a relationship mean that you go from one extreme to another within a matter of moments?  If so, then I am most definitely in a relationship…or does that mean that you’re in love? Because to be quite honest, I’ve never went through so many different emotions in such a short period of time. It’s getting to the point where the only thing that I am 100% positive about is that everything in my world seems perfect whenever I’m with Tom.

who are you to judge me?!

Normally, I spend so much time worrying about what I should write about in entries that I usually end up deleting the whole mess, and starting over when something major happens in my life. A bad idea, I know, but if you read any of my previous entry, then you’d know that I really dislike hurting other people’s feelings, and that I can’t express my thoughts and feeling accurately without writing them down. However, it honestly does not help, when you say something to one person and they automatically assume that they know everything about you and your relationship with your boyfriend from this one conversation. To be quite blunt, unless you are involved in the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, then you don’t know anything about what either person is thinking or feeling concerning that relationship. Not unless you can read minds, but if you could read minds then you wouldn’t be making judgments that are so obviously wrong.

So, the more this happens the more I become unbalanced, which causes me to Bitch at people that I shouldn’t, and it causes me to loose sleep at night. It’s really quite simple, I need my life to be orderly and balanced, and right now, it’s not even close to being orderly and balanced. I am beginning to hate the person that I am becoming, and the saddest part of it all it that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m attending a college that I can’t stand, majoring in something that I in all honesty don’t give a fuck about. I’m living in a town that everyone swears was better than my hometown, but at least in my hometown, I had places to go that I could be myself, and that I wasn’t judged on the basis of one single conversation.

I am beginning to believe that all my girl friends were correct, when they said that it’s not girls who cause Drama, it’s Guys. Because before I moved to Carbondale, and I got a boyfriend, I didn’t hate myself, and I didn’t have to watch every single fucking move that I make, or think about every fucking thing that I want to say to someone. I also know that if Tom reads this, although I highly doubt that he will, even if I e-mail him the link to this, he’s going to think that he’s done something wrong, and the ironic thing is that right now, the only time that I don’t hate myself, and who I’m becoming, is when he’s around. It’s just that I’m not any good at making friends, I never have been. So, I am stuck, hanging out with people that I don’t have anything in common with, just so that I won’t go insane, and start talking to inanimate objects…which I am doing anyways.

I am the first person to admit that I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with, and that I am far from being perfect. I also admit that I have a tendency to be a manipulative Bitch, but does all of this mean, that I am not capable of being loved, and loving someone? No, it doesn’t…yet, there are people who seem to think that I’m not. These same people don’t understand that I’ve already had one person that I love go to Iraq and die, because of a roadside bomb. I don’t think that my already fragile mental state could handle losing someone else because of something that shouldn’t have ever happened. So, I act as if I don’t really love Tom – even though I love Tom more than I ever loved Lucas- and I tell people (read: nonimportant people) that I am only marrying him, because of the military benefits. However, if life has taught me anything, it’s that love doesn’t take care of anything…money does. Besides that, I am hoping that if I can manage to distance myself enough emotionally, then I won’t be as hurt if something does happen. I know that Tom’s promised that he’s going to come back from Iraq, but so did Lucas, and so did millions of other guys when they went off to war. You can’t promise something like that!

I am the first person to realize that this somewhat callous attitude, causes me to be inaccurately judged as a cold, unfeeling person, but anyone who has taking the time to get to know who I really am, knows that the exact opposite is true. I have a tendency to get too involved in everything, and then I end up getting hurt. I’m just trying to protect myself, is that so wrong?! So, here’s the question for you the reader, are you going to take the time to learn about who I am, or are you going to judge me on the basis of just this one entry? The choice is up to you.

Hello world!

Hi. My name is Jessica and I’m 26 years old. I’m currently attending Anthem College to get my degree in Business Management. By the way, I hate it! I am also currently seeing the sweetest, most loving guy in my whole entire world. A guy who makes me feel both beautiful and safe, and I’m so scared that I’m going to do something dumb to mess it up. Because he’s the reason that I wake up every morning, and I love him more than anything!

I to be with my friends more than anything in the world, especially now that I finally have friends who I love and care about, and that I know feel the same way. There is never a dull moment when we are together, and everyone of them could bring a smile to my face, no matter how bad a day I’ve been having. They are all completely nuts, but I each and every one of you: Damion, Sonny, John, Ryan, Christopher, Jimmy, and Maria. If you guys ever need anything, all you have to do is call and I’ll be there, no matter what!

I my mom more than anything in the world, and I’m extremely lucky to have someone like her in my life. She reminds me of this fact all the time…LOL. She’s my best friend, and she always will be. My dad, on the other hand, is a completely different story, and if you ask, I’ll tell you.

I have two younger brothers, Derek and Damion, who I absolutely adore. Derek and I are two and half years apart, and we get along a lot beter now that we are no longer in the same house. Now, for some reason, we actually get along, and we are beginning to appreciate each other a lot more. Damion, who’s page on MySpace is here, and I have always gotten along. He always seems to know when I was upset, or when I just wanted to ‘goof off’, and he is almost always willing to go along with whatever dumb idea I come up with. *grins* Naturally, they get on my nerves…but isn’t that what younger brothers do?

I to watch movies, and I probably could sit and watch movies all day long! I the colors pink, lavender, and sky blue…the colors of a sunset. I to listen to music, and I’d listen to it 24/7/365 if I could. I to lay in bed and listen to the rain, but I can’t stand thunderstorms! I MySpace, and I’m on there all the time…I’m seriously addicted! I to dance, even though I’m not that great at it. I babies! I to drive around back roads, and sing at the top of my lungs…but only when no one’s with me…LOL. I to write poetry, and I’m going to put some of my poems on here…one of these days. I to laugh, and I have this uncanny ability to make people laugh. Laughing always seems to make me happier! I cats and dogs! I to laugh, and it always makes me happier. I to shop, and it always makes me happier…and yes, I do need more clothes! A girl can never have enough clothes…LOL. I to eat, especially pasta, and I often impress people by how much I can eat! I to take long, hot, bubble baths.

I don’t like hurting other people’s feelings. I’m not very good at expressing my emotions, except through writing. I worry a lot, even if there’s nothing to worry about…then I have a tendency to worry even more. I’m a chronic procrastinator. I am always late. I’m not a very good driver…I hit my own car. I’m a hopeless romantic. I spend more money than I make…which is extremely easy, since I’m incredibly lazy. I can’t stand misspelled words, or grammatical errors, comes from being an English Major for three years. I’m extremely picky about what I wear and how it looks together, and my friends know what mood I’m in by this. I’m extremely disorganized organized…LOL. Ask me and I’ll explain.

I to talk, so you can send me a message by clicking here.