Normally, I spend so much time worrying about what I should write about in entries that I usually end up deleting the whole mess, and starting over when something major happens in my life. A bad idea, I know, but if you read any of my previous entry, then you’d know that I really dislike hurting other people’s feelings, and that I can’t express my thoughts and feeling accurately without writing them down. However, it honestly does not help, when you say something to one person and they automatically assume that they know everything about you and your relationship with your boyfriend from this one conversation. To be quite blunt, unless you are involved in the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, then you don’t know anything about what either person is thinking or feeling concerning that relationship. Not unless you can read minds, but if you could read minds then you wouldn’t be making judgments that are so obviously wrong.
So, the more this happens the more I become unbalanced, which causes me to Bitch at people that I shouldn’t, and it causes me to loose sleep at night. It’s really quite simple, I need my life to be orderly and balanced, and right now, it’s not even close to being orderly and balanced. I am beginning to hate the person that I am becoming, and the saddest part of it all it that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m attending a college that I can’t stand, majoring in something that I in all honesty don’t give a fuck about. I’m living in a town that everyone swears was better than my hometown, but at least in my hometown, I had places to go that I could be myself, and that I wasn’t judged on the basis of one single conversation.
I am beginning to believe that all my girl friends were correct, when they said that it’s not girls who cause Drama, it’s Guys. Because before I moved to Carbondale, and I got a boyfriend, I didn’t hate myself, and I didn’t have to watch every single fucking move that I make, or think about every fucking thing that I want to say to someone. I also know that if Tom reads this, although I highly doubt that he will, even if I e-mail him the link to this, he’s going to think that he’s done something wrong, and the ironic thing is that right now, the only time that I don’t hate myself, and who I’m becoming, is when he’s around. It’s just that I’m not any good at making friends, I never have been. So, I am stuck, hanging out with people that I don’t have anything in common with, just so that I won’t go insane, and start talking to inanimate objects…which I am doing anyways.
I am the first person to admit that I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with, and that I am far from being perfect. I also admit that I have a tendency to be a manipulative Bitch, but does all of this mean, that I am not capable of being loved, and loving someone? No, it doesn’t…yet, there are people who seem to think that I’m not. These same people don’t understand that I’ve already had one person that I love go to Iraq and die, because of a roadside bomb. I don’t think that my already fragile mental state could handle losing someone else because of something that shouldn’t have ever happened. So, I act as if I don’t really love Tom – even though I love Tom more than I ever loved Lucas- and I tell people (read: nonimportant people) that I am only marrying him, because of the military benefits. However, if life has taught me anything, it’s that love doesn’t take care of anything…money does. Besides that, I am hoping that if I can manage to distance myself enough emotionally, then I won’t be as hurt if something does happen. I know that Tom’s promised that he’s going to come back from Iraq, but so did Lucas, and so did millions of other guys when they went off to war. You can’t promise something like that!
I am the first person to realize that this somewhat callous attitude, causes me to be inaccurately judged as a cold, unfeeling person, but anyone who has taking the time to get to know who I really am, knows that the exact opposite is true. I have a tendency to get too involved in everything, and then I end up getting hurt. I’m just trying to protect myself, is that so wrong?! So, here’s the question for you the reader, are you going to take the time to learn about who I am, or are you going to judge me on the basis of just this one entry? The choice is up to you.
No, people should not judge based on one entry, one impression, but sadly enough, they do. It’s up to the person to decide whether or not they’ll see you as you are, but with time, will realize that everybody else is just as human. We may differ in our thoughts and opinions, but that doesn’t make us any less of a person.
As for having to hurt people’s feelings, I’d say that you shouldn’t care. If you want to talk about something that is bugging you, then do so. This blog is for you to use because you are the author, not the people reading your site. You shouldn’t have to be worried about what other people think because if they were your true friends, the ones that you could always count on, they would understand. Anybody else who takes it out of proportion does not deserve your time.
You are right; nobody can promise the uncertain, but they can promise that it will be uncertain. It was not right for Lucas and Tom to promise you that they would return; but they could promise you that they would try, no matter what it would take.
Coming off as a cold person makes sense; why bother investing so much time and emotion into something if you don’t know for sure? Being cold saves you from having to open up and realizing you’ve been left all alone again. But once that special person comes around and stays around until your heart has thawed from its icy state, then perhaps you will know that this person is here to stay.
I hope all of that made sense… I’m kind of procrastinating right now as I’m supposed to study for a midterm I’ve got in about 8 hours… ^_^” Thanks for being a great visitor to the site; I really appreciate it. =)
I agree with Maria, no one should judge based in a website entry and I understand what you were saying at first, it’s hard to write something without hurting somebody else, but yeah this is your blog, not theirs, consider this like your 2nd mind…yeap, no one can mess with your mind, and if they do, you just say “It’s a sad thing that you think that you need to read something to realize what I feel about you” Iguess if you want to say something you will say it on the people’s face, isn’t it better in that way?
And yeah, no one can promise that they will eb alive the next day, the future is uncertain and that’s the exciting part, you never know what’s going to happen next, how is going to affect you or what will live give you, that’s why we are alive!
And even though I’m like 13 years younger I think I know how you feel, but I can say it’s like a transition, no matter if you’re 9, 26 or 59 years old, you’re growing up everysingle day…….and so does your spirit. That transition is what you have to get over to ebcome a better person…I don’t say “better” as a benefic worker or something like that, you’re going to feel “better” with yourself, “better” with or without somebody else…
As you migh realized, I don’t speak english so that might not had sense at all but I had to say it, I hope you don’t mind a stranger’s opinion..otherwise you cna just delete it, it will be ok
Thanks for your comment